Today I am…

Universe has guided me to uncover truths of who I am and why, so that on my journey I can heal and grow in hopes that I may help others. For those that read my book, Because of Yesterday has stated how strong I was, and some told me I was their s-hero and inspiration, but the truth is I was no different than you. I never labeled myself any of these labels but normal. Life to me never gave me a chance because my first memory of this world was of pain and trauma which seemed to only follow me. How did I survive and still find a way to smile at the end of the day, is the question so many ask me? I look for the best answer to give them, the answer that should be the ‘right’ answer but now it’s time for the truth. I survived my trauma because while it happened, I rewrote the characters as things played out. When they took advantage of me, I replaced that character with one that was loving. I replaced those cops that didn’t take my ex husband to jail for hurting me with cops that actually saved me. I changed the moments of rap with people that wanted to make love to me instead. I knew what was happening but, in that moment, trying to accept that reality was just too much to bear so I recreated in my head what I wished that moment had been. I was writing my own script because I was unable to accept the one given to me. I survived not because I was this tough girl or because I was so full of self-love and knew things would get better, I survived because I closed my eyes. It wasn’t until years later that I understood what self-love means and what strength looks like because I finally decided it was safe to open my eyes again. Strength didn’t help me survive but fear did, fear of accepting what my reality was. As I look back at who I was, I still get watery eyes because that young girl was so fearful that she blinded the reality of what was happening and masked it with a smile. The woman I am today understands it takes a normal person to get through the tragedy of what life can toss at you but it takes a strong woman to look back and say, but I made it! I wasn’t strong then but today I am!